chico

as of a week ago, i am moving to chico in 3 weeks! and i may not come back to shity shity redding i cant wate!!! happy panda!

omg

sorry my friend that iv bine gone, my hard drive died on my and i just got my laptop back, ill up date more tomorw promz

for onec

im happy i was rong! im in chico, and oh so happy for it! the drive was long and my body hurt aftre but all to gethre it was rathre nice. i got to chico around 4 ish witch was nice cus we had to go shoping for some stuff! hhah.

to day gregs in class so im by my self for a good amont of time but thats ok i need to do some stuff and claen up.

well ill check back in a bit, ill be hire for the next 9 or so days!

fuck it all

ok so evry time me and greg try and see echothre its hell evry thang gos rong, 1 frist his car day right be for are first date. 2. i crash my car. 3. he has to go on a family crappy road trip. 4. he got hire but had to bage for a ride home. 5. his cars still not fixed! 3 weeks latre! like what the fuck if my car was not fixed in 3 weeks heads would be rolling! and next weekend im try to go to chico agine what could go rong this time, who knows. but becuse of his car we did missed are one month togeth! im so fucking pissed off.!!~


p.s it seems i only blog whin im really up set i think thats kinda odd dont you?

some times, and place

im at school, its hella raining. i have to drive my shity little car that sucks ass. oh so fun. no nothing. my laptop cored seems to have died. no greg till wensday.im sliping down, down in to the wet ground..aghhhh so need a life sick of this place it neeeds to be 4 so i can go to yoga, i want to go now but the frist class is not till 4 aghhhhhh

happy days

im so happy to be happy and at the same time it kinda makes me sad cus im no longre emo, so i dont have as much to talk about. well im good gregs good , just waned to let you know,love ginger bear

trusday night

trysday night around 9pm, i crashed my car in to a tree. im ok pritty much ok, just really bruzed, its hard to move and stuff. i was stuck in my car for like 30 mints. it was raining and i was just geting off a brige and hit ice. i was as well tring to pass a truck, and spun out and some how, thank god got the car to trun back wards, and hit the tree with the back og my car. if i had not i probly would be died. my bf rushed up and has not left my side since, i LOVE it. he frecked out more then me and about the same as my mom! it was so frecking crazy. well thanks for leting my tell you all!



~~~ginger bear~~~~

i din't know i loved you so much

i dint know how much i need you, how much i wanted you, till i had you. i had to let you go, evan if for a shoet time, a part of me feels as tho its dieing.

hahah i feel as if im wasting my life, no life, no job, not doning much in school. cant see were im going. but ill be happy to go there as long as you hold me hand!

Chase the Morning

go out in to this world my child, see the ways the ppl live, and the way they die.

in the past 3 days iv gone from the lows that were oh so saddly low, to the high, this is so its bittre sweet!

i know how i feel, and i know all the words that want to just roll out and wash over you. only time will tell if all i see, and all i feel is real. i pray, and i wish that if its a dream that i wont wake up, and if i do wake up that ill see you there, looking back at me.

you say so much in just the way you look at me, i can see it some times, your thinking of something you feel you need or want to say. but im tell you this now, theres nothing you could do to make me want you iny more then i all ready do.

its so crazy that i feel this way, i of all ppl. the girl who would dream the devil would take me in my sleep, and the girl who wished that her life would care about her, seems to finly have found that one thang iv bine looking for, you, love,life, some just for me!

~ginger bear~

But I didn't know I'd love you so muchI didn't know I'd love you so muchI didn't know I'd love you so muchbut I do.

love a life, with a full maouth

so iv had a good night! i had me so man meet.

walk in the sands of my mined

spin, spin, spin, STOP!

time can move so fast, and soo very slow.some times are emotions move the in the smae paths as the time we live in.

so iv had alot going gone, i had a boyfriend who was shity, did not really care about me all that much! haha so i dumped him, i think i only whint out with cus i to end it right, cus the first time there really was no end.

then in a flick of an eye i was amazed to find what i had bine looking for! right there, my friend keeps tring to get me to talk to her othre friend, she keeps tell me that she thinks id really like him. well being me i was alittle if, seeing as i dont have a good pass with "friends friends. nad i just got out of a relationship, i feel its just respect full to wate alittle bit you know, let the watres clam, the emotions come back to noraml.

but then i was like ok, i really do want to talk to this, he seems cool, at lest ill have a new friend? ohhh how rong i could have bine!

hes...hes, just so , i dont know...AMZING! hahah we have bine talking all week like nonstop, and its like i know iv bine in love befor, like real love, but it felt nothing like this! this is soo much betre, its like im full! like i may have meet that old people talk about, like there life there love and there best friend? CRAZY right? well i think so but it the best ways, now dont get me rong, i know my passed and how it reads, not the most happy of storys! but he keeps telling me he fills the same way! we just have so much incomen, and at the same time difrtin! hah

there are only 1, or 2 bad things at all so far! the big one he lives in chico, witch is an hr away, but thats ezy to drive and we are going to work it out, like hes comeing up this weekend and im going down next weekend! and then 2 is that he likes clams(inside joke) haha no i cant really come up with a #2 so i dont know what to tell you all! but!

~~~ ginger bear finly feels betre~~~

So today was a day, it was up, it was down, but it still rained all day. It was as the worlds way of tell me it’d be ok. For truly no one can see you cry in the rain. Only you and your self, can and know the truth.

Today I had a bad day, I messed up in photo class, I got in a fight with my now x boyfriend, and I fell down and hit my head really hard, ppl think I should have passed out! and last but not lest my yoga class was called off.

So I spint the night at the x boyfriends, and we did what we all ways do, we got high. And then whint to bed. But I dint sleep, I was thinking about how unhappy I was. And then a light whint off and it came to me, I love him but not as a lover. I cant see my self with him. So today I told him and now were not going out he’s rather up set, but im rather happy. I think I knew it was not going to work from the start. But im happy no matre what!

me, my self, and you

me, im random, cute, cuddly, clam most of the time, i care about all ppl, and all life, i like to be clean and smart, i like ppl to think good of me, and i want to show that i respecte my self.

i really dont like lot about my self to tall ya the truth, i seem to hurt ppl alot, i mess up, i get hurt, i seem to like hurting my self and othres at times.

you, just dont give a shit, you just let parts slip by, you look ovre the little stuff, you dont seem to all ways see my pain, but you love me, you care about your friends and your famly, you hold my hand, you care.

i know were doing are best as the 2 of us, just wish youd take the time to ask how i feel , and whin i do tell you , that you would take it and ues it not jsut walk by it. i still love you, i cant stop i just wish youd take acount how i feel more often.

~GINGER BEAR~

the muse of life

you know tho's days whine its all up, or its all down? whine nothing seems right, but at the same time its just the way you want it? no song seems to fit your mood, but you want to play it all?

that's the day i had, I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I'm back with my x, and were doing good. maybe Evan beter then the first time we were togethre!

but at the same time, i can see it all could fall apart. i don't think it will tho. he and his friends have there own place, so i can stay the night whin i want to! they want me to move in! haha i was like um sorry guys i cant!

there very hippys! haha they want to give me dreds and stuff, im a clean frerk! aghhhhh not geting dreds no way!! ew.....

its really cool tho, cus like some how they find a way to eat, some, rint, drive, and have some what lifes with out having jobs, and or geting cash from there mom and dads all the time. they jsut work whin they need to and ues less. its amzing what ppl can do whin they really want and need to.

im going to need time to find a way to work there way of life with my way.but were all very will to work on it, i think they want me to move in cus they know i'll go crazy if i dont clean up all the time, so its like a free made!! haha

but trully i think im geting happy agine! and i hope it stays this time!

days go by

And days go by...I can feel 'em flyin'Like a hand out the window in the wind.The cars go by...Yeah it's all we've been given,So you better start livin' right now'Cause days go by...Oh and a woo-hoo... (keith urban)

as my days go by, i seem to see it all, i can feel tthe hope washing up and down like the sea. and then you can back, you told me you still love me and you know how stupid you really were, and and i litght up. cus your all i wanted, your what made me happy, yes you hurt me more then iny one in my life, but in some crazy way, it just made me love you so much more!! baby your my life no matre what and i have faith, that if we work on it will could be so happy togethre!

february 14th, aka hell day or is it??

hahaha crayz past 3 no 4 days! whint on a date with a boy, his brothre the next 2 days, the gets a girl frined who is not me! my ex starts talking to me agine, and i know i still love and should not atlk to him, but i do i just cant help it. he seems to make me, ME! cryed my self too sleep alst night thing of how crappy to day would be. truns out that yes i was down, up set, and unhappy, till 8 pm, but i whit to my ex's place and we talked it out and were probly going to get back to gethre...

im happy but at the same time i know it has to work out this time, or im going to die!

karma or fate?

hummm, life is so un kind to me.

no one wants this lonely little ginger, not evan othre gingers.

im so full of love and joy, all i want it some one to give it to, to care about, and to love. thats all really!

why it seems i have no good love karma, or maybe fate hates me hella, i dont really know...

im going to just give up and let the sadness take me....


bye life.

humm little time, lots of hope

soooo iv bine having a good time as of like the last 2 weeks. making new friends, and new relationships, reblinding old ones, and holding on to the old ones!i think maybe i found something that makes me want to get up in the moring! im starting to feel like amanda, like there really are people out there that do really care about me and want to know me, tust me, care about me, and i hope love me in given time!i have the hope that maybe its all starting to go betre, ya i still cant find a job no matre how hard i look, but i think he knows how bad i want one. i hope that ill show how much i want to care, and feel the same way as i do!

only time will tell but i have the hope and i have the fiath, that one day gingers will be loved!

SCHOOL!

so there was a time i dint really have my ppl, well that time has passed! the nerds who play there magci evry day and role play evry day. have let me slip in to there world! i feel as tho maybe i have finly found some ppl that dont care how i am, they just let me do what i want and do look at me like im crazy or worthles! THANK THE GODS AND GODDESS FOR NREDS!

vrumm vrumm

haha it was so amazing, tonight i whint rollre skating! i had so much fun!! i whint with alot of little kids but it was rad! i had forgotin how fun it is and how much work it takes. but once you pick it back up its really ez! haha im so going back in like 5 days! i cant wate, i just wish i had somes hand to hold!

p.s i know your out there mr. right, fuck mr. right now! i just want you!

raawww time to be happy

Evan i, seemingly emo till the end of time knows that theres a light! haah i gez i just need to let it all spill by, see whats right in front of me! i can truly say at this time for right in this time, i am truly happy. just to know there are ppl out there that care no matre how miny times i tell my self i have no one, i know i all ways have friends!

the life of a ginger is not fucking life at all...

DAMN YOU. damn this life i live for its not worth the time i put in to it. the only thing i want in life is LOVE thats all im evan willing to work for be evry time i omost have it, fate steps in and fucking ripes my soul out and feeds it to hungre animlas out on the kill! its just like what the hells rong with me...what so bad about me that im not worth somes love....maybe its cus i am me, i tell the truth i belive there is only one way to love some one and thats truly, i gez im the only on it the world that feels that way.... so all i have to say is! FUCK YOU LIFE GET HELL OUT OF MY WAY AND LET SOME ONE LOVE ME ..plz so i can stop crying?

how do you know

how do you know if some likes you. whats the give away. I'm an emotional person so, times hard for me... i like to know what ppl are thinking and what there thinking of me

this guy, its the first time iv felt this way, like all worlds stop and all i can think about is him...but its not the same as in the past were i jumped right in to it, and dint take the time to get to know them as a person, as a friend, and as them self's.

but this guy hes just, hes the guy iv all ways seem in my head. the boy who iv dreamed about...and theres a good chance that he dues not feel that way about me. and I'm will to take that...but the more i think about it the more i see i need some one like him (him i hope) in my life i know whats wrong in my life. the stuff i want to stop doing, the ppl i want to stop hanging out with, and the way i live my life. i need some one like him to help me down the right path, the motivation to do it, to leave behind this part of my life.

i stop believing in god, some years ago. high school was bad for me, i was fat and slip in to that darker side of it all...my dad got a new wife who forced me to got to church and dress up and shoved it in my face (shes still dues) and i was a grumpy teen so i fully pulled away from it all i stoped caring about life...in my 4 years of high school i atimped to kill my self about 8 time...but right be for i did it, id think of my family and the ways i was raised...i loved church as a kid, it was a happy place for me... but as iv got older and far away from that time, the more empty iv felt..and so iv spinet miny atime and miny a thing to feel my self...drinking, sex, boys, girls. rocky horror, drugs....and all ways as sune as the highs gone I'm empty, I'm lonely, and I'm down....

i think I'm just starting to see that, that I'm not that sad grumpy mad teen, iv all ways bine older then the kids my age..but i all ways did my best to act the same..and im starting to see that, that's why i dint like my self i was hiding my self Even from my self....i like the person i am, whine I'm not with the ppl that are holding me back..and i all way told my self i was with them to help them but i was not i was holding my self back.

i feel like a new person, i feel opine, i feel clean!

thanks "best buy guy" as my friends have taken up calling him!

to live life

to live your life you have to take a chance, but yo also have to take the bad and believe in the good. last night , it all seem just right i was happy, but then i whint out to see some family i had not seem in about a year. it all start off good but the longer i was there i could see they had no faith, in them self, in life, in god. nothing and they all just used echothre and were unkind and oh so uncaring! how could some one, let alone a grup of people live there life that way? it upset me and and made me wish they were not my family. so i was on my way home.

and then this guy iv liked for some time on call! i forgot how unhappy i was! i was giddy! haaha, lame i know!its just hes a really nice guy, good looking, has a life that he worked for and has put time in to. hes going place evan tho he may not see it. guy that are well put together really don't seem to want to spend time with me..why i have no clue. but from the first time i saw him, we clicked! it was amazing! but iny ways!

i whint and spinet some time at hes place and we talk about life and the world and how humans are killing the world and them self! it was the best having some one to talk to that sees the world in the ways i do, and you know some thing just spending time with and talking, made me want to be a battre person, to fix the little thangs i say I'm going to and then put off! and really just wanted to spend more time with him!

and who knows maybe he felt the same way ( i can only hope) but if not, i think and feel that it was fait that helped us meet! and I'm ok with just that if that's all i get!

that first feeling of the day

you know, that feeling whin you first get up. whin nothings rong, your still riding your dream..

i love that feeling, it gives me hope, and takes away all the pain and hurt from the day be.

the only thang i seem to miss is the ppl see in my dreams....but its ok cus i get to see them next time i sleep!!

the life of a ginger

the life of a ginger is a hard life, i have no soul, no point, but to EAT yours!

but no really some days it really dues suck,, ppl are really fucked up and god damn it! i fucking hate old ppl!!

if i have no soul will i still age??

do ppl really read what i have to say!!! i think not! dues that stop me..nope, no way!

one day you'll all see ill be your god and there will be nothing you can do about it!

for get the #s!@

hahaha, iv bine going all day! haha......ha..h..a....

well as it is fate plays a good game of cards! i gave you a chance to make a point ot make your move, but sadlly little jail bate, your not worth that. i am all ways there for you, but im not your.....

it may hurt you, it may evan brake you, i know the feeling all to well. iv hurt you be for, and id really rathre not have to do it agine. is it to muchh to ask you to move on? the world is bing cep looking for your fish boy!

and now ill drop a line in the sea along side you and just maybe we will both fine that one little fish that feels us up with all were looking and craving for!!!

what makes us grown ups

whin do you go from kid to adult? whin do you stop growning up and start to age? what makes othre see you in that way?

is it the act of makeing love, is it the act of geting a job or a car...no

it is whin the ppl around you start to fall way, whin they start to care more about them selfs then othres.

yes there are the ones like us who no mattre what has faith, in the would and othre ppl. and us the belivers are the ones that will all ways be as a kid....but we are groun up whin the need bes.

the belivers are the ones the world looks to for hope, for happyness, for faith, and for LOVE!!!

...so life

so some times life, it just seems to slip right up to your face to say hi... my hart told me it wants to love you. my body calls for your love. but i my self feel you should have to work for it. and i am sorry it hurts you to know that. but to be the person you need and want me to be, this is the way are life has to be. i so care about you i do, but i care for minny, and not all care for me. i cant take the pain aging and aging. i truly cant see how iv stayed alive for this long... and maybe it was to be with you but maybe not........plzz just opine up to me let me see the truth...

shut up and let me go!

shhhhh as the music plays, you sit, you think, you wate. you want to make the move to me, but cant bring your self to do it. finly you move, to slow to slow. you want more from your life, more then to slow, more then omost there. you want to feel the air, the sky up so high.

but the time come youll be there to look out on them all as the fall, for you in the end, moved so slow you made it more real, more true. then you evan know.

so keep your head up little boy, for your times coming!

heyyyy

well were to start, first off my names amanda but my peeps call me ginger.

i live in a place called happy valley, they call it that cus were not all that happy most ppl are just really high. its in uper nor-cal.

im 18, and i just have alot to say alot of the time. words just seem to want to come up of me.

they live, they grow, then they want out.

so i made them this blog!!

if theres more you need to know, asd and i will tell or just wate and see. it all comes out in the end!!

~ginger~